just forget me, its that simple

excuse me but there is no excuse for your childishness. i watch myself from afar and see all my mistakes. i had so much fun without you, and you did not even acknowledge me half the time. you are not good for me, and i just have to recognize myself and my needs. just think of all the happy times, and move on. learn from this and one day you will see.

...

maybe if you listened to what i say, it would all be clear about what you must do. maybe if you heared the words, weather it be said, sung or screamed in your presence, you would understand.

portfolio

ACK! no light blue paint...oh well. i am putting together my portfolio and it is so hard to choose anything good. most of my art is either are not good enough, or lacking in something. i can barely choose any up to par, so i am just going to redo many drawings and paintings. if i get around to it, i will post some art on deviantart.com. i will do that before i go to work tomorrow actually. clicky for mah artzors!

was that today or yesterday or last week...

I have been having some real trouble remembering things lately. I keep thinking it is still like october and it really is throwing me off. I said that I came by yesterday, but now that I think about it, I do not think it was yesterday, but it was monday. or was it? either i get the dates mixed up, or i think that i did something but it was a while ago. and then people think i am lying to them, which is never a good thing. all these days lately are running together and it is difficult to put it into a timeline. very frustrating

noone reads this junk

wow, everyone and their mom really does have a myspace. lots of people from the past that i want to talk to, but i am too afraid to face. what am i afraid of? maybe that people will be like "uhm who the hell are you?" or worse, be polite and pretend to remember me and search all over my myspace account to see if they really do know me. i mean, you cant really look at a myspace and think you are seeing their innermost thoughts on a blog or feel you have a connection with people because you have similar interests. okay, for some people it does work that way and i know a few, but most are not like that. many people have changed and many stay the same. the more i look the more i find people i feel it is too late to approch them, after all this time of not touching base. i mean, really, do people even want to be saught out as much as i do? maybe i am thinking this way because the holidays are here and i have that urge to seek out and conquer my demons before yet another year goes by with no accoplishment. i forced everyone away and it is not too hard to believe that no one will seek me out because they are afraid to get burned again. i am sorry, and i feel like i am a better person now to finally raise my head.to face all of you postively and truthfully. i want to see the girls again and i want to be friends again. i understand the hard feelings, but i wish someone would tell me weather they do or not. i have one love that is full of hope and one life full of regret, and i dont want it to end here, with all this anger and regret. i am half full, and i believe it is time to fill the glass.(remember all those times we watched this movie and acted it out? i still leave all of your parts for you guys to sing)

desktop kitties

kitty on the desktop and the desk, wait...get down kitty!!*puts kitty in her lap* awww little kitty :) oh theres the other one stepping on the keybkmjjkn aggghhh kitty! *puts other kitty on her lap, but her lap is not big so the first one jumps off* awwww, bai kitty. oh theres the dumb kitty trying to be all cool and stuff, but he cant jump up here cause hes a dumb kitty. whos a dumb kitty! *pushes the kitty and he flops over like a dumb kitty. if the other kitties could laugh, they would rofl*

curiousity killed her

random rant of nothingness, it is Her turn:

"Have you ever felt great fear and pleasure at once?" - Unknown

My little Doll surrounded by stuffed creatures in Her bed. (a pill to make you numb...a pill to make you anybody else) Darling, Angel, "sweetie," she is still mine. Sharing Her bed with death is difficult, but tolerable. (an angel dies and falls from heaven) I love what She has done to rebel against me, it amuses me. My Angel has thrice defied me. First settling in with the enemy, then opening Her bleeding heart (there's not much left to love), and finally She has shorn Her wings before me. (violently beautiful) She has much to explain, but I can WAIT, just like I can for the other*. (she is already dead to his world) The blood has dried and now the scabbed wings are rightfully returning. (shes made of hair and bone, little teeth) I will allow Her to escape for the moment to break away from other prisons. (the angel has spread its wings the time has come for better things) When they have fully healed I will claim Her once more. (theres something cold and blank behind Her smile) Then see where you stand. I cannot wait for the grotesque retaliation once the realization sets in. (when you are suffering, know that i have betrayed you)

"If he loved you with all the power of his soul for a whole lifetime, he couldn't love you as I do in a single day" -Unknown

*see post "messed up in the head" for reference

and i care, why?

I need to go out. That is all there is to it. Dress up.Go out. Possibly get drunk and dance dance dance. This is messed up. I need to go crazy.Good drinks too, not the cheap beer that I am surrounded by. Vodka, Tequila, Sake. I am soooo pissed off right now. I need to drink, it is the only way to be real. My whole life I feel was a fabrication of lies. I do not know right from wrong anymore. I constantly question myself. Is this love or an infatuation. Am I a bitch or am I an innocent. (she laughs when shes crying) It really hurts when my mum says offhandedly that she regrets having me, or she is cutting me off if I get into any relationship.

manga

I am going away for a few days. Lots of sad things going on. Dyed my hair for it. I feel a bit better, just saddend. There is a con on the 30th&31st and I must decide what I should dress up as for the cosplay contest. I am thinking Faye Valentine, Haruhara Haruko, Semijima Mamimi or Sailor Saturn. Oh yea there is an art contest and manga writing and drawing contest. My darling Natoshka is not ready for finalization (it is too mature for most audiences anyway.)

curious

I think I need to change my name. Many people have told me that mine just does not suit my personality. My name feels like it is for a woman and I am a young girl trying to fit into it. I do not think I ever will though. The nickname for it is a boys name, no matter how you spell it. I have been writing a list of names that I am seriously considering changing to. Any input on this idea is greatly appreciated. No Adam, I am not going to change it to Nako, or any other Japanese name because I am not full Japanese. I dunno. I might post a list of possibilities later, bai.

"mmm…mocha..." "*sob* no baby, Muffin" LOL that commercial cracks me up! hmm...and gives me the urge to try a Moolatte...

annoying!

Dammit...don't you hate it when you write an email or blog and your mouse has the side buttons that you accidentally hit and you lose all your text. I have done that twice with this blog just now. I had two paragraphs of well-composed thoughts and now they are gone *sigh* oh well. I suppose that is a clue to condense what I am thinking.
Aww!! They showed a kitty getting saved from being trapped in a sewer on the news! :)

Downstairs he's playing Kenton /(the Magnavox sighs)/But oh how the music has changed/In all of our lives

pretty

The paint fumes are getting to me...well kinda. I am painting a mural on the walls of my old room at my parents house. For those of you who know, I moved out of there monthes ago, so my room is kinda bare. Oh yea, I have to move back in with my parents due to a medical condition affecting my nervous system. Stupid nerves. Stupid doctors. I think it will work out for now, as long as my mom does not get in my business and go digging throgh all my stuff again. grrrr...privacy and trust are huge issues with her and my family, so yea. She goes nuts because I am out with my friends(who dont do drugs, drink, party, or anything crazy) and I am 19. It is the MOVIES for christsake.

So mural, yea it is of Mangas that I have grew up with like Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, Peach Girl, FLCL, and Paradise Kiss. I finished sketching the BSSM, on the first wall, and it looks very nice. I found this neat little trick to remove pencil sketchings, but keep the pen outline and have a fresh(ie:clean) coat of paint over it. I watered down the acrylic white wall paint that I had and the pen shows right through as a faded blue line, but no pesky pencil markings. hooray! I am going to work on it some more, bai! HA! chipper...

messed up in the head

I am going to have a horrible rant. I really suck at putting my thoughts down, so bear with me

this bitch is driving me crazy
i see the stains on the walls
and they remind me that
i need to slit your throat
watch it spill onto my shirt
i have these crazy thoughts
of killing people in their sleep
i painted over them twice
she keeps clawing at them
touch him again
go ahead i keep count
i can WAIT
for you to f*ck up again
i have forever
oh wait
you do not
i will make sure of it
i thrive on your tears
but live to taste slick
of my knife against your skin
my hand on your cheek
but dont be frightened
just remember that you
look beautiful
when you cry

mew

I am staring at possibly the cutest thing in the world right now. It is a 6 week old kitten sleeping in front of my computer speaker. It is white with a big grey spot on its head and grey tail. His name is Spike. He slept in my bed with me last nite. It is soooo cute, but he is a little dumb. Ru and Gome are pissed...

deeply drained

I may be tresspassing into something far too deep for even me to coprehend. This whole religion thing is starting to get one my nerves for some reason. There was a time when I never doubted myself or felt nervous about everything. That was such a long time ago. I am trying to be myself so badly that when I see people not doing the same it eats at me. Some people I thought I knew and wanted to persue are presenting facets of their life that I never knew could have existed. It is somewhat obvious to me, typical messed up childhood with all the dark secrets no one will talk about. And that is cool and all, but when people catch me off gaurd, it makes me scared. Maybe I am taking things out of context and the lack of food is getting to me. But still, it is haunting that this could turn out bad not only for me. Maybe I need to set things straight and maybe I will get understanding, but I know I am lying to myself. This is hurting me very badly for some reason. All of my securities have been slipped out from under me and I will have to defend myself with these weak limbs. I will never be able to fight back and it will be the end of me, I just know it. I am so weak it makes me sick. My weaknesses are being exposed and She is lashing out more often. Clawing at me with Her well manicured nails and laughing at me with nausiating perfection. She told me it would happen again, but I want to ignore it soo badly. This will not turn out well.

(Radiohead - Idioteque)

truth

I want to believe that people tell me the truth, but I see it is not possible for some. I do not mind being used so much, but please someone tell me if I have crossed the path of a broken heart and desperation. I can deal with that. I guess I am so used to it that it is better to have it that way, instead of deal with real emotions. Falling into it quickly and say just that when reality hits. I hope I am wrong.

jinxed

I have this nagging feeling in my mind that something is going to happen in my life very soon. It makes my tummy hurt with anxiety. I need to go dancing or get tipsy(LOL) or something to get away. Why am I caring so much lately what I look like...I never used to do that! I let Meredith cut my hair again and she colored it beautifully!! Maybe I was stressing about my hair, hmmm...I feel like singing! I guess I am being moodly lately due to lack of food and socail life. I have had 3 mood swings in this one post, lol! I need to stop going in and out of sleep. Or maybe just go to bed earlier than 3am. I am restless and anxious for some reason. Its prolly nothing. Or something. My eyes are changing colors and my extremeties are cold all the time. I forgot was I was originally going to say...:(

I am saturated in hormones at this job...

Girls are crazy...I currently work in a hair salon...hmmmmm...today was an interesting day at work...we had the Halo (alas, a hair product line, not the video game) class at 9:30 and then I worked at 12 so the other receptionist (Shay*) could go to the 2pm class, but the stylist (Kay*) that was there left at 1. So I was by myself till 4pm when the next stylist (Ellie*, she was a model for the class), came in. A stylist (Stacy*) came and picked up Shay and was VERY mad because Kay left. I felt invisible as they proceeded to talk about her in a very negative way until they left(such drama...blah). I tried calling people, but I could not reach anyone. I listened to my new cd and was picking out a new color for my hair when the corporate boss (Dan B*, nice guy, I grew up with his nephew) came in. He talked in a very hurried manner about about certain stylists and our new manager and it was awkward that he was talking to me about it. Then he left when Ellie came in because he needed to be back there for the end of the class. I was all set for my 8 hr day minding my own and prolly watch Ellie (shes so nice) do a color, when the other receptionist(Emma*) came in. She must have worked out something with Shay because I was supposed to be there till 8, but oh well. So I left and jumped on my compy to blog the day:)

I know I have said it before, but this time I mean it: I need to change my profile picture...

*names changed

le sigh

Well, I guess no one care for me but Cody, yes? Oh well. Woe is me, lol! Ima go work on my art, even though none appricaiates it but mee...well in the way I want it to be. omg now the adobe program will not work...so I cannot work on stuff now. Should I return my scanner for a tablet? I am weighing the pros and cons. I feel like smashing something, yet that would be bad. I really just need to get out of here. I need to be able to hang out with more people and be able to go home and feel safe. I am growing anxious of something that has not yet happened. I need to go lie down, but not here. I feel like grabbing my kittens and running away. But where would I go? There is a place for me, I just have not found it yet.

You know what I realized? I did not get to go to my favourite restaurant on my birthday...that sucks. Yea bai.

Adah

Tantalize, cannibalize, evil eyes, hypnotize. I have read that book waaay too much. My profile photo looks too stuck up for me, but I am too lazy to dig up and scan another. Apparently, according to others, I am very photogenic. I wish I had green eyes, then I would be soooo cool, LOL. I wonder if everyone in this world had a twin somewhere, and just has not met them yet. That would be interesting. Nothing much more to say and I have to go to work soon, so bai.

BTW: The book I mentioned, because I know Cody will ask is "The Poisonwood Bible." No it is not some sect-religious text ( sp?), but about a Southern Baptist family on a mission in the Congo during the Eisenhower Presidency. That was a mouthful so read it yourself, it is really interesting.

blah

I have been ignored all weekend by everyone...*sigh*
maybe I am just being emotional...sometimes I hait being a girl...LOL
omg I sang that dumb song one time: i enjoy, being a girl...

damn queue

It is 1:30 in the morning...yea. WoW has a huge queue and I dont feel like waiting. I am falling asleep at my comp and i forgot was I wa sgoing to type. So I will do it later. Endless rambling bs. bai

world of kittens

Blah, blah, blah...just sitting here...with my NEW scanner! Happy birthday to me yesterday :) My mum(gasp!) and Dad gave me a lovely scanner to play with. I have always wanted one so I can upload my drawlings, omg my kittens are obsessed with jumping on my keyboard! Sorry, you will find that I get distracted easily. It is so easy to work with and I am soooo happy. Ya so ima play with it more now then play WoW so bai.