and i care, why?

I need to go out. That is all there is to it. Dress up.Go out. Possibly get drunk and dance dance dance. This is messed up. I need to go crazy.Good drinks too, not the cheap beer that I am surrounded by. Vodka, Tequila, Sake. I am soooo pissed off right now. I need to drink, it is the only way to be real. My whole life I feel was a fabrication of lies. I do not know right from wrong anymore. I constantly question myself. Is this love or an infatuation. Am I a bitch or am I an innocent. (she laughs when shes crying) It really hurts when my mum says offhandedly that she regrets having me, or she is cutting me off if I get into any relationship.