deeply drained

I may be tresspassing into something far too deep for even me to coprehend. This whole religion thing is starting to get one my nerves for some reason. There was a time when I never doubted myself or felt nervous about everything. That was such a long time ago. I am trying to be myself so badly that when I see people not doing the same it eats at me. Some people I thought I knew and wanted to persue are presenting facets of their life that I never knew could have existed. It is somewhat obvious to me, typical messed up childhood with all the dark secrets no one will talk about. And that is cool and all, but when people catch me off gaurd, it makes me scared. Maybe I am taking things out of context and the lack of food is getting to me. But still, it is haunting that this could turn out bad not only for me. Maybe I need to set things straight and maybe I will get understanding, but I know I am lying to myself. This is hurting me very badly for some reason. All of my securities have been slipped out from under me and I will have to defend myself with these weak limbs. I will never be able to fight back and it will be the end of me, I just know it. I am so weak it makes me sick. My weaknesses are being exposed and She is lashing out more often. Clawing at me with Her well manicured nails and laughing at me with nausiating perfection. She told me it would happen again, but I want to ignore it soo badly. This will not turn out well.

(Radiohead - Idioteque)