curiousity killed her

random rant of nothingness, it is Her turn:

"Have you ever felt great fear and pleasure at once?" - Unknown

My little Doll surrounded by stuffed creatures in Her bed. (a pill to make you numb...a pill to make you anybody else) Darling, Angel, "sweetie," she is still mine. Sharing Her bed with death is difficult, but tolerable. (an angel dies and falls from heaven) I love what She has done to rebel against me, it amuses me. My Angel has thrice defied me. First settling in with the enemy, then opening Her bleeding heart (there's not much left to love), and finally She has shorn Her wings before me. (violently beautiful) She has much to explain, but I can WAIT, just like I can for the other*. (she is already dead to his world) The blood has dried and now the scabbed wings are rightfully returning. (shes made of hair and bone, little teeth) I will allow Her to escape for the moment to break away from other prisons. (the angel has spread its wings the time has come for better things) When they have fully healed I will claim Her once more. (theres something cold and blank behind Her smile) Then see where you stand. I cannot wait for the grotesque retaliation once the realization sets in. (when you are suffering, know that i have betrayed you)

"If he loved you with all the power of his soul for a whole lifetime, he couldn't love you as I do in a single day" -Unknown

*see post "messed up in the head" for reference

and i care, why?

I need to go out. That is all there is to it. Dress up.Go out. Possibly get drunk and dance dance dance. This is messed up. I need to go crazy.Good drinks too, not the cheap beer that I am surrounded by. Vodka, Tequila, Sake. I am soooo pissed off right now. I need to drink, it is the only way to be real. My whole life I feel was a fabrication of lies. I do not know right from wrong anymore. I constantly question myself. Is this love or an infatuation. Am I a bitch or am I an innocent. (she laughs when shes crying) It really hurts when my mum says offhandedly that she regrets having me, or she is cutting me off if I get into any relationship.

manga

I am going away for a few days. Lots of sad things going on. Dyed my hair for it. I feel a bit better, just saddend. There is a con on the 30th&31st and I must decide what I should dress up as for the cosplay contest. I am thinking Faye Valentine, Haruhara Haruko, Semijima Mamimi or Sailor Saturn. Oh yea there is an art contest and manga writing and drawing contest. My darling Natoshka is not ready for finalization (it is too mature for most audiences anyway.)

curious

I think I need to change my name. Many people have told me that mine just does not suit my personality. My name feels like it is for a woman and I am a young girl trying to fit into it. I do not think I ever will though. The nickname for it is a boys name, no matter how you spell it. I have been writing a list of names that I am seriously considering changing to. Any input on this idea is greatly appreciated. No Adam, I am not going to change it to Nako, or any other Japanese name because I am not full Japanese. I dunno. I might post a list of possibilities later, bai.

"mmm…mocha..." "*sob* no baby, Muffin" LOL that commercial cracks me up! hmm...and gives me the urge to try a Moolatte...

annoying!

Dammit...don't you hate it when you write an email or blog and your mouse has the side buttons that you accidentally hit and you lose all your text. I have done that twice with this blog just now. I had two paragraphs of well-composed thoughts and now they are gone *sigh* oh well. I suppose that is a clue to condense what I am thinking.
Aww!! They showed a kitty getting saved from being trapped in a sewer on the news! :)

Downstairs he's playing Kenton /(the Magnavox sighs)/But oh how the music has changed/In all of our lives

pretty

The paint fumes are getting to me...well kinda. I am painting a mural on the walls of my old room at my parents house. For those of you who know, I moved out of there monthes ago, so my room is kinda bare. Oh yea, I have to move back in with my parents due to a medical condition affecting my nervous system. Stupid nerves. Stupid doctors. I think it will work out for now, as long as my mom does not get in my business and go digging throgh all my stuff again. grrrr...privacy and trust are huge issues with her and my family, so yea. She goes nuts because I am out with my friends(who dont do drugs, drink, party, or anything crazy) and I am 19. It is the MOVIES for christsake.

So mural, yea it is of Mangas that I have grew up with like Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, Peach Girl, FLCL, and Paradise Kiss. I finished sketching the BSSM, on the first wall, and it looks very nice. I found this neat little trick to remove pencil sketchings, but keep the pen outline and have a fresh(ie:clean) coat of paint over it. I watered down the acrylic white wall paint that I had and the pen shows right through as a faded blue line, but no pesky pencil markings. hooray! I am going to work on it some more, bai! HA! chipper...

messed up in the head

I am going to have a horrible rant. I really suck at putting my thoughts down, so bear with me

this bitch is driving me crazy
i see the stains on the walls
and they remind me that
i need to slit your throat
watch it spill onto my shirt
i have these crazy thoughts
of killing people in their sleep
i painted over them twice
she keeps clawing at them
touch him again
go ahead i keep count
i can WAIT
for you to f*ck up again
i have forever
oh wait
you do not
i will make sure of it
i thrive on your tears
but live to taste slick
of my knife against your skin
my hand on your cheek
but dont be frightened
just remember that you
look beautiful
when you cry

mew

I am staring at possibly the cutest thing in the world right now. It is a 6 week old kitten sleeping in front of my computer speaker. It is white with a big grey spot on its head and grey tail. His name is Spike. He slept in my bed with me last nite. It is soooo cute, but he is a little dumb. Ru and Gome are pissed...

deeply drained

I may be tresspassing into something far too deep for even me to coprehend. This whole religion thing is starting to get one my nerves for some reason. There was a time when I never doubted myself or felt nervous about everything. That was such a long time ago. I am trying to be myself so badly that when I see people not doing the same it eats at me. Some people I thought I knew and wanted to persue are presenting facets of their life that I never knew could have existed. It is somewhat obvious to me, typical messed up childhood with all the dark secrets no one will talk about. And that is cool and all, but when people catch me off gaurd, it makes me scared. Maybe I am taking things out of context and the lack of food is getting to me. But still, it is haunting that this could turn out bad not only for me. Maybe I need to set things straight and maybe I will get understanding, but I know I am lying to myself. This is hurting me very badly for some reason. All of my securities have been slipped out from under me and I will have to defend myself with these weak limbs. I will never be able to fight back and it will be the end of me, I just know it. I am so weak it makes me sick. My weaknesses are being exposed and She is lashing out more often. Clawing at me with Her well manicured nails and laughing at me with nausiating perfection. She told me it would happen again, but I want to ignore it soo badly. This will not turn out well.

(Radiohead - Idioteque)

truth

I want to believe that people tell me the truth, but I see it is not possible for some. I do not mind being used so much, but please someone tell me if I have crossed the path of a broken heart and desperation. I can deal with that. I guess I am so used to it that it is better to have it that way, instead of deal with real emotions. Falling into it quickly and say just that when reality hits. I hope I am wrong.