deeply drained

I may be tresspassing into something far too deep for even me to coprehend. This whole religion thing is starting to get one my nerves for some reason. There was a time when I never doubted myself or felt nervous about everything. That was such a long time ago. I am trying to be myself so badly that when I see people not doing the same it eats at me. Some people I thought I knew and wanted to persue are presenting facets of their life that I never knew could have existed. It is somewhat obvious to me, typical messed up childhood with all the dark secrets no one will talk about. And that is cool and all, but when people catch me off gaurd, it makes me scared. Maybe I am taking things out of context and the lack of food is getting to me. But still, it is haunting that this could turn out bad not only for me. Maybe I need to set things straight and maybe I will get understanding, but I know I am lying to myself. This is hurting me very badly for some reason. All of my securities have been slipped out from under me and I will have to defend myself with these weak limbs. I will never be able to fight back and it will be the end of me, I just know it. I am so weak it makes me sick. My weaknesses are being exposed and She is lashing out more often. Clawing at me with Her well manicured nails and laughing at me with nausiating perfection. She told me it would happen again, but I want to ignore it soo badly. This will not turn out well.

(Radiohead - Idioteque)

truth

I want to believe that people tell me the truth, but I see it is not possible for some. I do not mind being used so much, but please someone tell me if I have crossed the path of a broken heart and desperation. I can deal with that. I guess I am so used to it that it is better to have it that way, instead of deal with real emotions. Falling into it quickly and say just that when reality hits. I hope I am wrong.

jinxed

I have this nagging feeling in my mind that something is going to happen in my life very soon. It makes my tummy hurt with anxiety. I need to go dancing or get tipsy(LOL) or something to get away. Why am I caring so much lately what I look like...I never used to do that! I let Meredith cut my hair again and she colored it beautifully!! Maybe I was stressing about my hair, hmmm...I feel like singing! I guess I am being moodly lately due to lack of food and socail life. I have had 3 mood swings in this one post, lol! I need to stop going in and out of sleep. Or maybe just go to bed earlier than 3am. I am restless and anxious for some reason. Its prolly nothing. Or something. My eyes are changing colors and my extremeties are cold all the time. I forgot was I was originally going to say...:(

I am saturated in hormones at this job...

Girls are crazy...I currently work in a hair salon...hmmmmm...today was an interesting day at work...we had the Halo (alas, a hair product line, not the video game) class at 9:30 and then I worked at 12 so the other receptionist (Shay*) could go to the 2pm class, but the stylist (Kay*) that was there left at 1. So I was by myself till 4pm when the next stylist (Ellie*, she was a model for the class), came in. A stylist (Stacy*) came and picked up Shay and was VERY mad because Kay left. I felt invisible as they proceeded to talk about her in a very negative way until they left(such drama...blah). I tried calling people, but I could not reach anyone. I listened to my new cd and was picking out a new color for my hair when the corporate boss (Dan B*, nice guy, I grew up with his nephew) came in. He talked in a very hurried manner about about certain stylists and our new manager and it was awkward that he was talking to me about it. Then he left when Ellie came in because he needed to be back there for the end of the class. I was all set for my 8 hr day minding my own and prolly watch Ellie (shes so nice) do a color, when the other receptionist(Emma*) came in. She must have worked out something with Shay because I was supposed to be there till 8, but oh well. So I left and jumped on my compy to blog the day:)

I know I have said it before, but this time I mean it: I need to change my profile picture...

*names changed

le sigh

Well, I guess no one care for me but Cody, yes? Oh well. Woe is me, lol! Ima go work on my art, even though none appricaiates it but mee...well in the way I want it to be. omg now the adobe program will not work...so I cannot work on stuff now. Should I return my scanner for a tablet? I am weighing the pros and cons. I feel like smashing something, yet that would be bad. I really just need to get out of here. I need to be able to hang out with more people and be able to go home and feel safe. I am growing anxious of something that has not yet happened. I need to go lie down, but not here. I feel like grabbing my kittens and running away. But where would I go? There is a place for me, I just have not found it yet.

You know what I realized? I did not get to go to my favourite restaurant on my birthday...that sucks. Yea bai.

Adah

Tantalize, cannibalize, evil eyes, hypnotize. I have read that book waaay too much. My profile photo looks too stuck up for me, but I am too lazy to dig up and scan another. Apparently, according to others, I am very photogenic. I wish I had green eyes, then I would be soooo cool, LOL. I wonder if everyone in this world had a twin somewhere, and just has not met them yet. That would be interesting. Nothing much more to say and I have to go to work soon, so bai.

BTW: The book I mentioned, because I know Cody will ask is "The Poisonwood Bible." No it is not some sect-religious text ( sp?), but about a Southern Baptist family on a mission in the Congo during the Eisenhower Presidency. That was a mouthful so read it yourself, it is really interesting.

blah

I have been ignored all weekend by everyone...*sigh*
maybe I am just being emotional...sometimes I hait being a girl...LOL
omg I sang that dumb song one time: i enjoy, being a girl...

damn queue

It is 1:30 in the morning...yea. WoW has a huge queue and I dont feel like waiting. I am falling asleep at my comp and i forgot was I wa sgoing to type. So I will do it later. Endless rambling bs. bai

world of kittens

Blah, blah, blah...just sitting here...with my NEW scanner! Happy birthday to me yesterday :) My mum(gasp!) and Dad gave me a lovely scanner to play with. I have always wanted one so I can upload my drawlings, omg my kittens are obsessed with jumping on my keyboard! Sorry, you will find that I get distracted easily. It is so easy to work with and I am soooo happy. Ya so ima play with it more now then play WoW so bai.