Recently it has been brought to my attention that many people think that Insomnia is a great thing or worse, something that is manageable and simple to treat. I have had bouts of Insomnia for years ranging from: waking up early and not being able to get back to sleep after a 5-6hour okay sleep; sleeping a little while, then waking up every hour or so; and finally, trying to sleep for hours on end and never quite reaching that point of actual sleep. Sure, most people, particularly of my age group and below, think that Insomnia is an awesome thing where you do not have to sleep and many wish they themselves had it. Yes, of course I can see the glamour of it and I have heard on many occasions that 'you're just like the guy from Fight Club' or 'you don't sleep? that's so cool!' usually followed by 'I wish I didn't have to sleep, I'd have so much time for other things.' I can tell you right now that there is nothing fun about your body 'running on empty' all the time. Although I applaud the movie for being a great movie with outstanding characters, this is just a Hollywood depiction of an outstanding work of fiction, and we all know how skewed that is in the first place.
Insomnia is a debilitating condition where your mind just hovers over a fog for a long undetermined amount of time. The body was meant to have a sleep cycle to restore itself from the day. When that sleep cycle is disturbed, the mind cannot recharge itself and begins to tap into reserves, which are supposed to wear down and force your body back into a sleep pattern. With Insomnia the body is always worn out and the mind has to make serious efforts to keep itself functioning. Consequently, the mind becomes adapted to tapping into your emergency reserves to keep it functioning that it does not let the body rest and rejuvenate itself properly with sleep.
Now, it is simple to say that you can do a multitude of tasks with all that extra 'awake' time you have, but the truth is, you are in a haze. Simple tasks become arduous and all you want to do is not have to think about what you are doing as you are tired. The absolute worst solution to this is watching television as many falsely believe that the telly will eventually put you to sleep. When the mind is on overdrive it tends to appreciate the numbness of watching television than actual sleep. The mind does not want to shut-off in fear that you may oversleep, thus perpetuating the problem. Late-night cable seems to be the bane of my existence, but I would rather numb my mind than have it going a million miles a minute with my own thoughts.
This brings me to another serious affliction of Insomnia that is rarely addressed: One's own thoughts. As weird as it may sound, I am more afraid of my own mind trying to fall asleep than not sleeping. It is very difficult to ignore little things like sounds, smells, lights and other things that can disturb your sleep. This can cause serious psychological problems that may or may not have existed before. I used to be irritated by my own heartbeat sounds, now I am devastated by them. They drive me absolutely insane. I know it is an absurd thing to be kept up by your own heartbeat, but with Insomnia all of your senses are on overdrive. In a constant state of metabolic hyperarousal.
Then there are the people on the other end of the spectrum who believe Insomnia is not a real condition and I can sleep whenever I choose and be 'over it.' These people usually fall into the
'older' generation that think you can cure something with a pill or want to discredit any psychological affliction just because it did not 'exist' in their time. This category of people tend to belittle my condition and often say 'just get some sleep' or
I cry every time I can get 2-4 hours of sleep because I know that its all I am going to get once I wake up. It is painful to even cry. All I hear is 'you should have gotten more sleep' I just want to scream. You don't understand that I WANT to sleep. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not having a mental breakdown, I am just sleep deprived.