bang bang

break down. strawberry milkshakes. my little pony. watching cartoons. fly away. 20-sideded dice, but fuzzy ones. i never had a my little pony. scanner wont work. need a cd to burn. dreams of kitties in tanks. there is a back door to everyplace. who is she talking about. pheonix down. let down. shaking hands. i miss you. curl up in the blankets and go back to bed.

"...Never again, they gave us two shots in the back of the head, and we're all dead now..."

oh snap!

Sitting here eating fried rice and bored out of my mind. Listening to a Portishead/Killers mix and found out that I like The Killers, even though they are not so cool anymore :). I tried to draw some more today, but I was so busy, I could not get back to a sketch I was doing. I will be in a tree tomorrow on my break at school, prolly drawing. Oh speaking of school I should go to sleep now so I am not cranky tomorrow. But I got the next book in the Sword of Truth series, "Temple of the Winds." Hmmm...sleep or read...sigh...

just forget me, its that simple

excuse me but there is no excuse for your childishness. i watch myself from afar and see all my mistakes. i had so much fun without you, and you did not even acknowledge me half the time. you are not good for me, and i just have to recognize myself and my needs. just think of all the happy times, and move on. learn from this and one day you will see.

...

maybe if you listened to what i say, it would all be clear about what you must do. maybe if you heared the words, weather it be said, sung or screamed in your presence, you would understand.

portfolio

ACK! no light blue paint...oh well. i am putting together my portfolio and it is so hard to choose anything good. most of my art is either are not good enough, or lacking in something. i can barely choose any up to par, so i am just going to redo many drawings and paintings. if i get around to it, i will post some art on deviantart.com. i will do that before i go to work tomorrow actually. clicky for mah artzors!

was that today or yesterday or last week...

I have been having some real trouble remembering things lately. I keep thinking it is still like october and it really is throwing me off. I said that I came by yesterday, but now that I think about it, I do not think it was yesterday, but it was monday. or was it? either i get the dates mixed up, or i think that i did something but it was a while ago. and then people think i am lying to them, which is never a good thing. all these days lately are running together and it is difficult to put it into a timeline. very frustrating

noone reads this junk

wow, everyone and their mom really does have a myspace. lots of people from the past that i want to talk to, but i am too afraid to face. what am i afraid of? maybe that people will be like "uhm who the hell are you?" or worse, be polite and pretend to remember me and search all over my myspace account to see if they really do know me. i mean, you cant really look at a myspace and think you are seeing their innermost thoughts on a blog or feel you have a connection with people because you have similar interests. okay, for some people it does work that way and i know a few, but most are not like that. many people have changed and many stay the same. the more i look the more i find people i feel it is too late to approch them, after all this time of not touching base. i mean, really, do people even want to be saught out as much as i do? maybe i am thinking this way because the holidays are here and i have that urge to seek out and conquer my demons before yet another year goes by with no accoplishment. i forced everyone away and it is not too hard to believe that no one will seek me out because they are afraid to get burned again. i am sorry, and i feel like i am a better person now to finally raise my head.to face all of you postively and truthfully. i want to see the girls again and i want to be friends again. i understand the hard feelings, but i wish someone would tell me weather they do or not. i have one love that is full of hope and one life full of regret, and i dont want it to end here, with all this anger and regret. i am half full, and i believe it is time to fill the glass.(remember all those times we watched this movie and acted it out? i still leave all of your parts for you guys to sing)

desktop kitties

kitty on the desktop and the desk, wait...get down kitty!!*puts kitty in her lap* awww little kitty :) oh theres the other one stepping on the keybkmjjkn aggghhh kitty! *puts other kitty on her lap, but her lap is not big so the first one jumps off* awwww, bai kitty. oh theres the dumb kitty trying to be all cool and stuff, but he cant jump up here cause hes a dumb kitty. whos a dumb kitty! *pushes the kitty and he flops over like a dumb kitty. if the other kitties could laugh, they would rofl*

curiousity killed her

random rant of nothingness, it is Her turn:

"Have you ever felt great fear and pleasure at once?" - Unknown

My little Doll surrounded by stuffed creatures in Her bed. (a pill to make you numb...a pill to make you anybody else) Darling, Angel, "sweetie," she is still mine. Sharing Her bed with death is difficult, but tolerable. (an angel dies and falls from heaven) I love what She has done to rebel against me, it amuses me. My Angel has thrice defied me. First settling in with the enemy, then opening Her bleeding heart (there's not much left to love), and finally She has shorn Her wings before me. (violently beautiful) She has much to explain, but I can WAIT, just like I can for the other*. (she is already dead to his world) The blood has dried and now the scabbed wings are rightfully returning. (shes made of hair and bone, little teeth) I will allow Her to escape for the moment to break away from other prisons. (the angel has spread its wings the time has come for better things) When they have fully healed I will claim Her once more. (theres something cold and blank behind Her smile) Then see where you stand. I cannot wait for the grotesque retaliation once the realization sets in. (when you are suffering, know that i have betrayed you)

"If he loved you with all the power of his soul for a whole lifetime, he couldn't love you as I do in a single day" -Unknown

*see post "messed up in the head" for reference

and i care, why?

I need to go out. That is all there is to it. Dress up.Go out. Possibly get drunk and dance dance dance. This is messed up. I need to go crazy.Good drinks too, not the cheap beer that I am surrounded by. Vodka, Tequila, Sake. I am soooo pissed off right now. I need to drink, it is the only way to be real. My whole life I feel was a fabrication of lies. I do not know right from wrong anymore. I constantly question myself. Is this love or an infatuation. Am I a bitch or am I an innocent. (she laughs when shes crying) It really hurts when my mum says offhandedly that she regrets having me, or she is cutting me off if I get into any relationship.