that keeps you tied in the basement...

My first day of real college was very nice :).
I have a class with a good friend.
I still feel empty and frantic, but I think it will subside.
I confided in one of my professors about my very personal altercations with painting.
This brought to light a few startling and heartbreaking memories that I seem to have forgotten.
Perhaps I need to go back into absent mode and drift off for a while to aid my creativity.
I tend to get pained in my speech and dark in my art.
Do not be alarmed.
I will come back soon.
There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled with love, so I often temporarily fill it with darker things to ease the pain.
I live my life constantly in the shadow of myself.
I see the ugly shape in the mirror behind a beautiful creature that never shows her face.
Taunting me with her spontaneous wit and whimsical outlook on life.
Everyone wants the center stage starlet, not the timid artist.
So I hide my brushes and shed my stained smock.
Yet you can still smell the solvent and see the paint under my nails.
No matter how hard I scrub.




...so lock your kids up safe tonight.

(the more you try to erase me...

†
How long has it been little blog? *pats blog*
Moved twice.
(more productive. confortable.)
Went back to school.
(sleeping well. no bad dreams. no paranoia)
Major=Japanese.
(slower and more calculated.)
Changed hair color. now blonde.
(still cries at a good film.)
Have finally met the man in the Graye suit.
(no longer empty and frantic.)
Slightly dissapointed.
(fond but not in love)
†

†
...the more that i appear)

bang bang

break down. strawberry milkshakes. my little pony. watching cartoons. fly away. 20-sideded dice, but fuzzy ones. i never had a my little pony. scanner wont work. need a cd to burn. dreams of kitties in tanks. there is a back door to everyplace. who is she talking about. pheonix down. let down. shaking hands. i miss you. curl up in the blankets and go back to bed.

"...Never again, they gave us two shots in the back of the head, and we're all dead now..."

oh snap!

Sitting here eating fried rice and bored out of my mind. Listening to a Portishead/Killers mix and found out that I like The Killers, even though they are not so cool anymore :). I tried to draw some more today, but I was so busy, I could not get back to a sketch I was doing. I will be in a tree tomorrow on my break at school, prolly drawing. Oh speaking of school I should go to sleep now so I am not cranky tomorrow. But I got the next book in the Sword of Truth series, "Temple of the Winds." Hmmm...sleep or read...sigh...

just forget me, its that simple

excuse me but there is no excuse for your childishness. i watch myself from afar and see all my mistakes. i had so much fun without you, and you did not even acknowledge me half the time. you are not good for me, and i just have to recognize myself and my needs. just think of all the happy times, and move on. learn from this and one day you will see.

...

maybe if you listened to what i say, it would all be clear about what you must do. maybe if you heared the words, weather it be said, sung or screamed in your presence, you would understand.

portfolio

ACK! no light blue paint...oh well. i am putting together my portfolio and it is so hard to choose anything good. most of my art is either are not good enough, or lacking in something. i can barely choose any up to par, so i am just going to redo many drawings and paintings. if i get around to it, i will post some art on deviantart.com. i will do that before i go to work tomorrow actually. clicky for mah artzors!

was that today or yesterday or last week...

I have been having some real trouble remembering things lately. I keep thinking it is still like october and it really is throwing me off. I said that I came by yesterday, but now that I think about it, I do not think it was yesterday, but it was monday. or was it? either i get the dates mixed up, or i think that i did something but it was a while ago. and then people think i am lying to them, which is never a good thing. all these days lately are running together and it is difficult to put it into a timeline. very frustrating

noone reads this junk

wow, everyone and their mom really does have a myspace. lots of people from the past that i want to talk to, but i am too afraid to face. what am i afraid of? maybe that people will be like "uhm who the hell are you?" or worse, be polite and pretend to remember me and search all over my myspace account to see if they really do know me. i mean, you cant really look at a myspace and think you are seeing their innermost thoughts on a blog or feel you have a connection with people because you have similar interests. okay, for some people it does work that way and i know a few, but most are not like that. many people have changed and many stay the same. the more i look the more i find people i feel it is too late to approch them, after all this time of not touching base. i mean, really, do people even want to be saught out as much as i do? maybe i am thinking this way because the holidays are here and i have that urge to seek out and conquer my demons before yet another year goes by with no accoplishment. i forced everyone away and it is not too hard to believe that no one will seek me out because they are afraid to get burned again. i am sorry, and i feel like i am a better person now to finally raise my head.to face all of you postively and truthfully. i want to see the girls again and i want to be friends again. i understand the hard feelings, but i wish someone would tell me weather they do or not. i have one love that is full of hope and one life full of regret, and i dont want it to end here, with all this anger and regret. i am half full, and i believe it is time to fill the glass.(remember all those times we watched this movie and acted it out? i still leave all of your parts for you guys to sing)

desktop kitties

kitty on the desktop and the desk, wait...get down kitty!!*puts kitty in her lap* awww little kitty :) oh theres the other one stepping on the keybkmjjkn aggghhh kitty! *puts other kitty on her lap, but her lap is not big so the first one jumps off* awwww, bai kitty. oh theres the dumb kitty trying to be all cool and stuff, but he cant jump up here cause hes a dumb kitty. whos a dumb kitty! *pushes the kitty and he flops over like a dumb kitty. if the other kitties could laugh, they would rofl*