Contrary to popular belief, Insomnia is NOT fun

Recently it has been brought to my attention that many people think that Insomnia is a great thing or worse, something that is manageable and simple to treat. I have had bouts of Insomnia for years ranging from: waking up early and not being able to get back to sleep after a 5-6hour okay sleep; sleeping a little while, then waking up every hour or so; and finally, trying to sleep for hours on end and never quite reaching that point of actual sleep. Sure, most people, particularly of my age group and below, think that Insomnia is an awesome thing where you do not have to sleep and many wish they themselves had it. Yes, of course I can see the glamour of it and I have heard on many occasions that 'you're just like the guy from Fight Club' or 'you don't sleep? that's so cool!' usually followed by 'I wish I didn't have to sleep, I'd have so much time for other things.' I can tell you right now that there is nothing fun about your body 'running on empty' all the time. Although I applaud the movie for being a great movie with outstanding characters, this is just a Hollywood depiction of an outstanding work of fiction, and we all know how skewed that is in the first place.

Insomnia is a debilitating condition where your mind just hovers over a fog for a long undetermined amount of time. The body was meant to have a sleep cycle to restore itself from the day. When that sleep cycle is disturbed, the mind cannot recharge itself and begins to tap into reserves, which are supposed to wear down and force your body back into a sleep pattern. With Insomnia the body is always worn out and the mind has to make serious efforts to keep itself functioning. Consequently, the mind becomes adapted to tapping into your emergency reserves to keep it functioning that it does not let the body rest and rejuvenate itself properly with sleep.

Now, it is simple to say that you can do a multitude of tasks with all that extra 'awake' time you have, but the truth is, you are in a haze. Simple tasks become arduous and all you want to do is not have to think about what you are doing as you are tired. The absolute worst solution to this is watching television as many falsely believe that the telly will eventually put you to sleep. When the mind is on overdrive it tends to appreciate the numbness of watching television than actual sleep. The mind does not want to shut-off in fear that you may oversleep, thus perpetuating the problem. Late-night cable seems to be the bane of my existence, but I would rather numb my mind than have it going a million miles a minute with my own thoughts.

This brings me to another serious affliction of Insomnia that is rarely addressed: One's own thoughts. As weird as it may sound, I am more afraid of my own mind trying to fall asleep than not sleeping. It is very difficult to ignore little things like sounds, smells, lights and other things that can disturb your sleep. This can cause serious psychological problems that may or may not have existed before. I used to be irritated by my own heartbeat sounds, now I am devastated by them. They drive me absolutely insane. I know it is an absurd thing to be kept up by your own heartbeat, but with Insomnia all of your senses are on overdrive. In a constant state of metabolic hyperarousal.

Then there are the people on the other end of the spectrum who believe Insomnia is not a real condition and I can sleep whenever I choose and be 'over it.' These people usually fall into the
'older' generation that think you can cure something with a pill or want to discredit any psychological affliction just because it did not 'exist' in their time. This category of people tend to belittle my condition and often say 'just get some sleep' or

I cry every time I can get 2-4 hours of sleep because I know that its all I am going to get once I wake up. It is painful to even cry. All I hear is 'you should have gotten more sleep' I just want to scream. You don't understand that I WANT to sleep. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not having a mental breakdown, I am just sleep deprived.

Red-heads have the most fun

Now I am a red-head :D again. I am a ginger with yellow skin usually, but this time it is deep red. My boyfriends mom did it very well. I also found a Japonic hair stylist in the area, so now my hair is cutzors. Interestingly enough, I went for full on bangs, no layers. Its very cute. She did a great job and I am definately going to her again. We are going to The City tomorrow for a housewarming party. We're going to leave early so we can walk on the wharf and possibly the beach. Finals are next week, so ima go study. Peace

yay new blog

Welcome to my blog :D Hopefully these blogs will turn into fascinating little tidbits of restaurant reviews, downtown mayhem, and daily life. Or possibly just a boring insight of a young twenty-something living in and around the bureaucratic epicenter of California. Either way, you lurkers will slightly entertained by my rants. Cheers.

head full of feathers

Put a gun to my head and paint the walls with my brains.
Ambivilant.
Inconsolible.
Disinterested.
Bewildered.
Cold.
Ill.
Broken.
Bound.
Incapable.
Helpless.
Hopeless.
Dead.

Now we’re even.

OMG Cheezburgers!

I made some cheezburgers at ICanHasCheezburger.com. Click and go votes for mah cheezburgers plz! kthzbai


Iz bored of teh pokerz

omg they haz em!

no feesh?!

and for Gene :D

moar funny pictures

This is somehow horrifyingly sad and hilarious

This is somehow simultaneously horrifyingly sad and hilarious. Watch it and be inspired. Thanks!

Check out this video: Chocolate Bunny Kill

LIONS are KITTIES TOO!! Video

Me at the Zoo with the Lions. New photos too. :D Enjoy Peeps

Check out this video: LIONS are KITTIES!!!

shuffle your feet (these sour times)

Do you ever feel like you are being watched? If you are watching me, don't be shy, please tell me. I just want to know. These are steps we take to fill the gaps between us. No matter how much you think I hate you or you hate me, let us have closure. I was standing on your block, hoping you would come out and play. You could have come out or thrown rocks. You did neither. What does that say about me? What does that say about you? I cannot just walk away.

that keeps you tied in the basement...

My first day of real college was very nice :).
I have a class with a good friend.
I still feel empty and frantic, but I think it will subside.
I confided in one of my professors about my very personal altercations with painting.
This brought to light a few startling and heartbreaking memories that I seem to have forgotten.
Perhaps I need to go back into absent mode and drift off for a while to aid my creativity.
I tend to get pained in my speech and dark in my art.
Do not be alarmed.
I will come back soon.
There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled with love, so I often temporarily fill it with darker things to ease the pain.
I live my life constantly in the shadow of myself.
I see the ugly shape in the mirror behind a beautiful creature that never shows her face.
Taunting me with her spontaneous wit and whimsical outlook on life.
Everyone wants the center stage starlet, not the timid artist.
So I hide my brushes and shed my stained smock.
Yet you can still smell the solvent and see the paint under my nails.
No matter how hard I scrub.




...so lock your kids up safe tonight.

(the more you try to erase me...

†
How long has it been little blog? *pats blog*
Moved twice.
(more productive. confortable.)
Went back to school.
(sleeping well. no bad dreams. no paranoia)
Major=Japanese.
(slower and more calculated.)
Changed hair color. now blonde.
(still cries at a good film.)
Have finally met the man in the Graye suit.
(no longer empty and frantic.)
Slightly dissapointed.
(fond but not in love)
†

†
...the more that i appear)